Last night I was very dispirited about my vocational life. Since graduating from seminary, this has happened. . . ah. . . more than once or twice. Nothing has “worked out” like I thought it would.
One reason I started blogging was to try and help myself figure out what it is that God wants. Because writing is good therapy. And much cheaper than real therapy.
Last night, after I wrote about my Wheat Thins affair, I was talking with my husband. I told him I couldn’t BELIEVE I had just publicly put up an unexpectedly long and ridiculous post about CRACKERS.
Trying to be encouraging, he reminded me that I am not Madeline Albright. “No one expects you to be blogging about policy in Iraq,” he said.
Sadly, I could not receive this as encouragment. I actually think I should be doing something as hard core as Madeline Albright. In fact, I am a failure because I am not doing anything hard core. I am not even an associate pastor at a big ol’ church. Or the senior pastor at a little church. Or . . .jack! In part, I think this is because I have the motivational capacity of Madeline Albright’s pinky toe. This, in spite of the presence of the Holy Spirit, Jesus, God and encouraging friends.
I’m not sure how to keep myself out of a spiral of self-condemnation that I am not doing as well as Madeline Albright.
When the Holy Spirit helps me to see something in my life that is holding me back from serving God, it usually comes with a feeling of conviction. It is not accompanied by guilt and shame. It makes me feel guilty and low that I am not Madeline Albright’s peer. That is not the Holy Spirit speaking to me, but my own craziness and inability to accept where God has me and who I am today. Sigh.
To quote my favorite seminary professor (and favorite preacher) Darrell Johnson, “Mercy!”
Mercy! May I learn to have mercy on myself. Even if it is just mercy for not being Madeline Albright.