Sucker-free countdown, what can I say? You were there for me.

I know this might sound funny coming from a girl who thinks Jesus is the best thing ever, but –

Dear MTV’s Sucker-free Countdown:

I want to thank you. I know you did not intend to bless me with your sucker-freeness, but you did.

Let’s just say you helped me through a strange patch in my life.

When I got married, I moved to the hardcore burbs. I am not talking semi-suburban. I’m talking full-on, white-picket-fence, cupcake-baking, trimmed-lawn, freak-show suburban. I capital-H hate suburbs. They made my skin crawl, just visiting them. Ick. Ick, ick, ick. I would take the dog for a walk and I would feel square just walking down the damn tree-lined suburban block.

But sucker-free countdown, you were there for me. You brought me Chamillionaire, Kanye West, Fifty Cent, and the indefatigable Dre, Snoop and Eminem. And Gorilla Zoe, who acted out every adolescent angry UNsuburban thought I was having. “Get like you? NAW, get like ME.” Oh, preach it, Gorilla Zoe! I won’t let the burbs change me! But really, sir, such language! And you know, your MOTHER will hear what you are saying about how you get to sleep every night. That is VERY naughty, Gorilla Zoe. But I appreciate your being bad on my behalf. Because the burbs, sir, were getting me down.

I guess you could say I felt, at times, uber-wifey and uber-step-mommy. Don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. I love my step-kids. All three of them are amazing people. But I was having long discussions about why broccoli was important. I would find myself thinking in the car about how to have a conversation about the importance of not hiding your vitamin in the bookshelf (true story), and then lying about it.

Sucker-free, YOU would never hide your vitamin in the bookshelf.

You would chew it up, spit it out, drink some Courvoisier and go buy yourself some new 24s for your 64. You would tell me what I could do with that vitamin. Because that is HOW YOU ROLL. Or as Kanye would reassure me, “Excuse me, is you saying something? Cause you can’t tell me NOTHIN, right?”

There is something so awesome about how nakedly self-pleasing Kanye and Gorilla Zoe and Fifty Cent and all the rest are, lyrically speaking. Their only lyrical concerns are money, rims, cars, sex, jewelry, shoes, bragging rights, freedom and parties.  Naughty, naughty, un-suburban frivolity. Half an hour pretending I had sucker-free values and I could go back to responsible living: praying instead of reaching for the champagne bottle, broccoli instead of caviar.

But you haven’t really lived until you’ve danced on the coffee table to “I’m in love with the bartender”** while your husband laughs from the couch.


**Yes, this is really a song, by T-Pain. It uses “drunk” as an adjective and a verb in one single line.


8 Responses to Sucker-free countdown, what can I say? You were there for me.

  1. corisa says:

    oh, you had me till bartender. this song is awful,m. unredeemable. but i hear ya on the top 40 hip-hop. the one down side to being up in the bay area is that they don’t have any good bad radio stations. i feel out of the loop. and i haven’t danced in may car in a long time.

  2. Megan says:

    C –
    I KNOW! Bartender stinks! But guess who thinks it is so bad that it is good? His name starts with a “D”. . . And you are SO right about the BuhAreuh – people are too cool to have a decent ‘bad’ radio station or two, I guess. I remember when I moved to LA I was in radio heaven. And now there’s 96.3 too! Rap in SPANISH.

  3. shauna says:

    I have never understood your love for the rap music:) me, I am too square by half for that! but I love giving those impulses and energies some outlet so they don’t come up and bite us from behind! you know how I feel about energies denied and put into the closet, they end up growing into some sorta twisted monster and getting us when we turn our backs:) dance away, suburban mama…

  4. reallifeinsc says:

    I’m enjoying “getting to know you” through your blog at least. You are AWESOME!

  5. […] Boogs. I almost fell off my couch, because, although I’m sure you don’t know about it, I just wrote recently about Sucker Free being a blessing to me. And there you are, using the same word! Blessing! […]

  6. Anna says:

    Meme, you are so right!!! I love the part about the damn white picket fences. Keep up the good work. Wes and I thought that what you write about is too funny but very very true. hugs and kisses. Whidbey misses you!

  7. sara says:

    and you always said I was the “cool girl”! I don’t even know who Gorilla Zoe is!!! hilarious!

  8. GZMarketing says:

    If you like Gorilla Zoe’s past work you should hear his latest work, like LOST with Lil Wayne and WHAT IT IS with Rick Ross on myspace at

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