Today I met with a pastor to talk about what it is that I’m doing out here in burbland as far as the Kingdom of God goes. It was a great talk, and he had many wise things to say about building friendships and connections in the place I live, and being knitted in to the body of Christ. He prayed over me before I left, which was awesome. As I often do at my church when someone prays for me, I had tears streaming down my cheeks by the end.
I think the Holy Spirit was so deeply at work in the pastor’s prayer that I felt compelled to continue to pray after our meeting was over. I went with my husband down to our church’s prayer room, and knelt on the floor. I cried and cried, just letting the Spirit wash over me.
One of the things that has been so hard for me in this season of the unexpected has been letting go of how I thought things would be. I wanted things to look a certain way, as I pursued this whole God-based career thing. But things did not end up looking as I wanted. As I knelt there before the cross, I prayed over this next season of intentional reaching out, my next season of non-traditional* ministry. I found myself in a place where I was crying out to God, just asking to serve and to give to His kingdom – in whatever way He wants. Even though I have prayed this prayer many times before, this time it was taking place at a more profound level, I think.
“Set me free” was playing on the sound system, and I sang along with that in my heart. Set me free, God. Set me free from my quiet but real need to feel validated and legitimized by outside metrics. Set me free from illusions of “success.” Set me free from fake, light relationships that bring no light to the world. Set me free from a fear of failing. Set me free to do your work, the work that you have for me, whatever it is. I don’t care, Lord. I don’t care. I’m ready to do your work, even if it isn’t what I thought you had for me. I’m ready to fail and look like an ass in order just to try and discern your will for me. (At least, I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.)
Even though I dislike the super sincere blog post, I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got today. Nothing pithy, nothing funny, nothing terribly insightful. Just me, kind of emptied out by the days words and prayers, looking forward to the next season.
Rest assured, I’ll have something snappy and sassy to say soon, I’m sure.
*or, incredibly traditional, depending on how you look at it!