I feel like I’m kind of at the end of my rope in coping with my husband’s ex-wife – how her existance and her choice of interactions affect me. I feel like too much disclosure, and I’m being inappropriate – this is a public blog. Then again, I feel like I’m not really sharing what is going on in my life, because I’m being so circumspect.
I’ve done my best to not vent about her to anyone except my best friend (Sorry, G-Whiz), my husband, our couples therapist, and my client/friend Leshawn (also a step-mom) since really, it can be kind of tedious.
She called the house on Friday and was yelling at my husband. She is relentlessly unkind to him. I understand that they must have unresolved angers at each other – how could they not? They seem unable to ever say what is authentically on their mind. My husband just never says anything, no matter how much he is bothered by something. Her favorite rant always centers around some perceived injustice to her son. I have no idea what she is really trying to say when she says this stuff. Their inability to be authentic with each other leads to more stress on both of them, and me. Apparently, they had a pretty inauthentic life together even when they were married. At least, that is how he characterizes it now – emotionally dispassionate and disconnected, even at its best. “Flat” is the word he always uses to describe their marriage. I have no way of knowing if this is true. I wouldn’t care, either, if she weren’t still in the picture. But she is.
I am just worn out. She has done creepy things like drop by with a friend and start demanding that her Halloween decorations be found. Every month she manages to find some issue to hassle her ex-husband about. The oldest kid and she triangulate against him all the time. It is tiresome for me to handle in a way that I didn’t know I could be emotionally tired. This first year of marriage has been the most exhausting year of my life. And that includes the year of my divorce and my first year in Africa.
I know I could go to therapy to get help in dealing with how I feel about all of this – but that makes me mad. Why should MY ass have to be taking the time and effort to sort through this stuff when neither of them does? So I don’t go. Even writing it and looking at it, I can see how immature that is, but it is how it feels. This crap is not my mess!
Another reason I don’t blog about this stuff is that I’m afraid I will sound whiny. But, it’s been several months now of very spotty writing over this issue, so oh well. If you think I’m whiny, sorry. As I walk uphill, I guess sometimes I whine.