To blog or not to blog

I feel like I’m kind of at the end of my rope in coping with my husband’s ex-wife – how her existance and her choice of interactions affect me.  I feel like too much disclosure, and I’m being inappropriate – this is a public blog.  Then again, I feel like I’m not really sharing what is going on in my life, because I’m being so circumspect.

I’ve done my best to not vent about her to anyone except my best friend (Sorry, G-Whiz), my husband, our couples therapist, and my client/friend Leshawn (also a step-mom) since really, it can be kind of tedious.

She called the house on Friday and was yelling at my husband.  She is relentlessly unkind to him.  I understand that they must have unresolved angers at each other – how could they not?  They seem unable to ever say what is authentically on their mind.  My husband just never says anything, no matter how much he is bothered by something.  Her favorite rant always centers around some perceived injustice to her son.  I have no idea what she is really trying to say when she says this stuff.  Their inability to be authentic with each other leads to more stress on both of them, and me.  Apparently, they had a pretty inauthentic life together even when they were married.  At least, that is how he characterizes it now – emotionally dispassionate and disconnected, even at its best.  “Flat” is the word he always uses to describe their marriage.  I have no way of knowing if this is true.  I wouldn’t care, either, if she weren’t still in the picture.  But she is.

I am just worn out.  She has done creepy things like drop by with a friend and start demanding that her Halloween decorations be found.  Every month she manages to find some issue to hassle her ex-husband about.  The oldest kid and she triangulate against him all the time.  It is tiresome for me to handle in a way that I didn’t know I could be emotionally tired.  This first year of marriage has been the most exhausting year of my life.  And that includes the year of my divorce and my first year in Africa.

I know I could go to therapy to get help in dealing with how I feel about all of this – but that makes me mad.  Why should MY ass have to be taking the time and effort to sort through this stuff when neither of them does?  So I don’t go.  Even writing it and looking at it, I can see how immature that is, but it is how it feels.  This crap is not my mess!

Another reason I don’t blog about this stuff is that I’m afraid I will sound whiny.  But, it’s been several months now of very spotty writing over this issue, so oh well.  If you think I’m whiny, sorry.  As I walk uphill, I guess sometimes I whine.

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7 Responses to To blog or not to blog

  1. Troy says:

    Megan, knowing how much I like to talk, you are probably wondering why you haven’t heard anything out of me for quite a while. Well, it’s pretty difficult for me to restrain myself from getting involved, especially when I think I might be able to help resolve some of the problems. It’s very much like watching kids with different personalities always fighting or arguing. When they are your responsibility, you can jump in and talk to each one of them individually, in private, and sometimes resolve a lot of problems with an unbiased opinion, by listening to each one tell their side of the problem. When they are adults, you can’t do that without being asked. In my lifetime, I have had quite a bit of experience and some success in dealing with personal conflicts. I can appreciate the delicate position that you are in and completely understand where you are “coming from” in your blogs. I’m not a professional and I’m not sure that I have any answers, but I do have a lot of individual suggestions for all involved–you, D., C., & the children. I would welcome the opportunity to talk to each privately, offer some suggestions, and work with all to see if there is any way to resolve some, if not all of the conflicts that are destroying the lives of two innocent children! Understand that I’m not taking sides, so it probably wouldn’t help unless all of the adults involved want to give it a try!
    T.

  2. shauna says:

    so sorry this continues to be a giant thorn in the flesh! One that God doesn’t seem willing to take away! BOO!
    as for your going to therapy even though its their mess…well it is infuriating when we go and deal with the aftermath of other people’s dysfunction. ahem. but we go because we want peace more than we want to be right…which is hard to get to. its difficult to live in a triangle and perhaps some outside perspective might help you drop your end of it so others may be put in a position to pick up theirs. its also just painful to live in the midst of so much unresolved pain. so have patience with yourself…
    I can’t believe its been a year almost. A YEAR!
    xo

  3. Megan,
    I don’t know if this will help or not, but when I write on my blog it helps me to vent my frustrations, my life, my messiness. Writing has become a way of healing to my soul and spirit. I recently watched a movie, and by the way I am writing an essay about it, (nowhere in Africa) and I heard a great quote, “the one who loves more is more vulnerable”. Writing make us vulnerable because suddenly we realize our life is not perfect…but you know, it doesn’t have to be. So don’t worry about being whiny…..that is ok if you whine because then I will know you are just as everybody else or may be just like the ones who can recognize their own brokenness…….¿que te parece si a 3000 millas de distancia oro por ti?

  4. lisa says:

    you are NOT whiny. You are human, expressive and DONE. The blogging will help you to sort and vent without causing undo drama or pain to your family (who you clearly love…) She is angry, hurt and has abandonment issues. Take a deep breath and resign yourself to her being a MAJOR pain in the ass until your stepson is 18. Then you can kick her and her shitty attitude to the curb. Be strong sis, this too shall pass. Mine just did…

  5. You should blog, blog and blog if only to get those tensions out of you. But meanwhile, I also suggest that you get a marriage coach. Somehow it will help you how to handle outside pressures of your marriage.

  6. Virginia says:

    I know its been a long time since you wrote this but I felt I had to respond. I have been living with the unresolved issues and actions between my (second) husband and his ex wife for six years. I understand that you are at the end of your rope. I have been at the end of mine for years now. No matter how many times I tell my husband how all this affects me, nothing changes. His idea of handling something is to ignore it and hope it will go away. It hasn’t. His ex wife thinks she can write to him, e-mail him, threaten him, tell him what to do anytime she wants because they used to be married and have (grown) children. It is ridiculous. It is also ridiculous that our spouses don’t realize how much it affects us. My husband doesn’t get it. It says it’s his problem. Well, if it’s his problem, why is it interferring with the quality of my life. He needs to put boundaries on the ex-wife so that YOU the new wife gets the respect you deserve as the current spouse. The ex spouse will always push it as far as they can go to disrupt the life of their ex husband. You are the innocent victim and did nothing to deserve to live in between their unresolved issues. I feel for you. You are not whining. It is a real problem. I hope it has improved. I can tell you that it hasn’t for me. It just gets worse because my ability to tolerate it has decreased. I hope the best for you. Not sure my marriage is going to survive.

  7. wildfire says:

    I need advice… I am engaged to a man who was married 23 years. He has two daughters. One is bi-polar and the other self sufficient. I have an 18 year old which i barely see. I was married 16 years.
    My question is the younger daughter was just recently married. I went to all occasions even though I felt I didn’t belong. It seems that every occasion the ex wife and family is there for every event regardless of birthdays. Am I marrying the ex wife’s family? His daughters are 23yrs old and 25 yrs old.
    I truly thought our new family would be my son and his daughters, not the ex wife’s family. To top it off I can count on one hand how many times my fiance came to a family get together or visit my parents in one year. I feel I have bent over backward and not sure what to expect in a second marriage. Any advice? Please I really need it. I can handle his children, but I can’t handle the expections of the children request to have both parents be there for every event.

    My future husband has not put in the same situation as I have as far as birthdays, holidays and special events. I don’t get involved in the ex husbands traditions and started my own. What should I do? What should I expect? How should I act? What is right and wrong? Totally new at this.

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